Day 168: It’s More Than Complicated

Remember my Birthday Twin Genius that I met at WordCamp? We not only share the same birthday, but also blogs with “diary” in the title.

 

Coinkidink or astrologically predetermined?

 

Another coinkidink or astrological predetermination:  Our readers tend to perk up and comment a lot on our cooking posts.  Coming from a Portuguese family whose food obsession rivals the Italians, I understand this phenomenon completely.

 

I propositioned Birthday Twin Genius aka Todd:  Let’s choose a chick food and a guy food.  We’ll cook them in our parallel universe kitchens on two separate nights.  (Todd lives in Vegas.)  We’ll then…well…blah blah blog about it.  A He Said/She Said blog post!

 

Since all men love to be propositioned in any way, shape, or form, Todd immediately accepted.  ”I like the symmetry of the idea,” he responded.

 

(Todd is one of those people who cut his cable so that he could build his brain with old-fashioned pursuits such as reading instead.  His choice of vocabulary almost always reflects his outrageous and controversial decision.)

 

I replied with an “Awesome!”

 

(I still have cable which I’m convinced kills more brain cells than pot.)

 

Day 168 was Chick Food day.  I chose Chocolate Croissants which I have been chomping at the bit to bake ever since I saw the movie It’s Complicated.

 

Oh, how I absolutely adore that movie.  If you haven’t seen it, you’re missing out.

 

In the movie, Meryl Streep and Steve Martin relive their youth by smoking pot.  A wicked case of the munchies ensues, and they traipse off to Meryl Streep’s bakery to whip up a batch of decadent chocolate croissants in the middle of the night.  The scene is deliciously sensual and funny at the same time, as you would expect from the brilliant Ms. Streep.

 

I began my croissant preparation at 8 a.m. on Sunday morning.  As a guide, I used the recipe from AllRecipes.com which was recommended by an exquisite food blog that I stumbled upon when googling “It’s Complicated Chocolate Croissants”.  Isn’t this Internet stuff incredible?

 

I have never met this foodie blogger, but I think she’s the greatest thing since sliced bread chocolate croissants.  She is living my dream life.  In a cottage on a lake in North Carolina.  It’s sooooo Nicholas Sparks.   Sigh…

 

Baking croissants is an all-day extravaganza.  AllRecipes noted an 8 hour and 20 minute time frame.  Thus the early start time.

 

By 8:30 a.m., the yeast had frothed and the dough had been kneaded.  I sipped my coffee while contemplating how thoroughly relaxing and therapeutic this croissant project had turned out to be.  Perhaps I’ll be a pastry chef when I grow up.

 

I realized by late morning, that I hadn’t heard from Todd.  I wondered if he abandoned ship.  I didn’t call him, of course.  Who does that these days?  I texted.

 

Me: How’s your dough?

 

Todd: I’ve had some minor technical setbacks this morning that necessitated a trip to the hardware store but I’m on track again.

 

Hardware store?  I wasn’t about to open that can of worms.  I sipped more coffee and expressed gratitude for my baking prowess.

 

3 hours later…

 

Me: Crap.  This butter and folding stuff is confusing.  I’m not much of a directions person.  Crap, crap, crap.  Something tells me these will be finished at bedtime.  Crap.

 

Is this a neurotic Sept 15 thing or is it just me?

 

 

Todd: Uh, you’re alone on that.  I’m using a wine bottle as a rolling pin.  Apparently, I don’t have one of those.

 

 

This is an example of texting miscommunication.  I was actually referring to the measuring tape, not the rolling pin.  You’ll note an overabundance of references to lengths and widths in the AllRecipes.com directions.   If I was going to follow directions, then I was going to follow them implicitly.

 

15 minutes later…

 

AllRecipes.com directions:  “Massage butter until pliable, but not soft and oily.”

 

I am 41, and not once have I heard of massaging butter.  Am I alone on this?  Do all of you massage butter on a regular basis?

 

I had no clue what they were talking about, so I just started massaging away.  At first, I softened it in my hands, and then spread it out over the dough like I was finger painting.

 

 

This alone was worth the price of admission.  I am here to tell you, dear readers, that butter massage has an instantaneous calming effect.  Please try this at home.

 

15 minutes later…

 

Me: This is actually a tad stressful.  I was relaxed during the butter massage, but now I feel like a harried mess.  That Lake Cottage woman seems so zen.  But I believe that she is retired and living on a lake.  I need to go buy and install a router, shop for the week’s groceries, write a blog post, and report to my day job tomorrow.  In the midst of all of this, I’m detoxing from an herbal cleanse.  I won’t go into details.  Not good timing on my part.  :-o

 

Todd: LOL.  I’m with you.  I’ve been tempted more than once today to chuck it all and used canned dough, but I’m persevering because though I have 16 hours of work scheduled for today, and it’s not going to get done (cooking or not), I need a little “me time” and if that means insanely complicated handmade croissants, so be it.  :-)  No kitchen experiment is without risk or lessons to be had but the most important lesson I’ve ever learned in the kitchen is…

 

(This was one of those really long texts that take up four messages.  Luckily, I have unlimited messages.)

 

Todd: … to allow your self to fail and have fun no matter what.  The 2nd most important lesson which I’m relearning today is make sure you buy all the junk you need before you start.  1 trip to Lowe’s and 2 to Albertson’s.

 

Me: 1st lesson was very profound.  Verklempt.

 

(I was distracted and at the Apple Store during the umpteenth dough rise.)

 

Todd: The cottage lady’s kitchen is unfreakinbelievable!!!

 

(You can see dream cottage kitchen here:  http://lakelurecottagekitchen.blogspot.com/.)

 

Yes, Todd, I know.  I imagine the rest of her life is as impeccable as her kitchen.  I’m sure that she has a wonderful husband, perfect children, beautiful grandchildren, and (you can bet on it!) a serene and obedient Cavalier King Charles Spaniel.

 

Sigh…

 

Stark reality:  My kitchen looks nothing like Lovely Lake Cottage Lady’s kitchen.

 

 

5 hours, several dough “episodes”, and one chocolate shaving disaster later…

 

Voila!

 

 

A bit overdone.  Breathe…

 

Verdict:  No wonder Meryl & Steve enjoyed their croissant-capades.  They were high.  You, too, would need to smoke wacky tobacky to find this process fun.

 

Instead, seriously consider finding the best bakery in town and splurge on their chocolate croissants.  For the peeps in my fair city, go here:  http://pcroissant.com/.

 

Verdict #2: Massaging butter is a blast.  If butter is not your thing, then find a tall drink of water and massage his shoulders.  Better yet, get him to massage yours.

 

Token male readers:  Massage a woman’s shoulders.  There’s nothing sexier than a giver.

 

Verdict #3: I would like for the Lake Cottage Lady to adopt me.

 

Sure this will tick my real mother off, but you can never have too many mothers.  As Hillary once said,  “It takes a village.”

 

And I would like to be in a village with a cottage, thank you very much.

 

*********

 

Interested in the “He Said” version of the Chocolate Croissant Extravaganza?  Find out how Todd’s croissants fared at http://606diaries.com/.

 

Coming next week…Todd and Michelle tackle Guy Food in an unconventional way.  Be afraid.  Be very, very afraid.